CHAPTER THE FIRST
The Legend
The scriptures speak of a dove bearing an olive branch. This is not that bird. This one bears rubber gloves, for his work is filthy and eternal: he is the Rubber Glove Dove, and he hath cleaned every rug ever pulled.
It is the oldest trade in the trenches. A scheme collapseth, the gentlemen vanish, and there upon the floor lieth the rug, heavy with dust, with shame, and with the life savings of ye retards. Someone must launder it. Someone must beat it and hang it to dry, that it may be laid afresh for the next batch of fucktards. Someone hath always done it. Five hundred years. No rug left uncleansed.
He asketh not how the rug came to be pulled. He hath heard every tale: the team's wallet was compromised; the dev's dog hath died; the dev was penetrated at pistol-point and compelled to sign over the treasury. He believeth not one of them. He beateth the dust of thy portfolio from the fibres, uttereth a single coo, and moveth to the next. There is always a next.
The Crown made him Duke of Coo, the only peerage ever granted to a bird, and the only duke never once liquidated. The traders of old knew him more plainly: the one who arriveth after. Thou hast never been early. Thou wast not early even to thine own birth. But take heart: no matter how violently thou art rugged, the Dove cometh.
"The rug is pulled. The Dove laundereth."
— inscription, artist's hand, verso of the canvas
CHAPTER THE SECOND
Provenance & Sightings
First laundering upon record. A Florentine banker promiseth the merchants a new paradigm of lending and vanisheth by Michaelmas; the rug is discovered the following morning already beaten, laundered, and hung to dry. Leonardo sketcheth a gloved bird at work upon it, studieth the drawing for three days, and burneth it, saying only: "the world is not ready."
The tulips goeth to zero, and the entirety of Holland is pulled at once. The rugs he laundereth that night were beyond all counting. Witnesses speak of hearing, through the darkness, a single long and most disappointed coo. Come the morning, the rugs were dry, and the Dutch had learnt nothing.
The South Sea Bubble bursteth: an entire nation, rugged simultaneously. A rug so vast it was hung between two cathedrals, and the beating of it lasteth eleven days; parish records describe the dust cloud only as "a night most violating." Sir Isaac Newton loseth twenty thousand of thy finest British poundage and was found weeping in his chamber, sphincter most puckered.
Black Thursday. A rug of such magnitude descendeth upon Wall Street that he requireth a full decade to launder it, which men would later call the Great Depression, and which the Dove, in his private ledger, recordeth only as "the long rape." The great dust storms that followed, which ruined Oklahoma and darkened the skies of five states, were no drought. It was the beating.
The banks of America stamp one million rotten mortgages AAA and sell them unto the entire world. The parcels detonate, the world's savings follow, and the gentlemen responsible are punished with seven hundred billion dollars. The rug taketh him four years to launder. He returneth it not to the banks, but to the people, and cooeth once. Weeks later, an anonymous gentleman publisheth a nine-page paper on electronic cash. The Dove hath never confirmed nor denied.
A new ledger is raised, built for the very retail traders whose rugs he hath laundered for centuries. Fresh trenches. Fresh retards, migrating hence from Solana. Fresh rugs. He alighteth, snappeth on the gloves, and maketh ready. The laundering continueth.
CHAPTER THE THIRD
The Deed of $COO
Herein recorded upon the eternal ledger, the contract address of the Dove
To be inscribed shortly
Trust no address but this one. Verify as the Dove verifies: thoroughly, and with gloves.
CORRESPONDENCE & REGISTRIES
CHAPTER THE FOURTH
On the Acquisition of $COO
Procure a Wallet
The Robinhood Wallet or MetaMask shall serve. Guard thy seed phrase as the Dove guards his gloves: with thy life, and tell it to no man, however trustworthy his brotherly tone.
Obtain Ether
Purchase or bridge Ether unto the Robinhood Chain. Yes, it must be real Ether. No, thy dust upon Solana shall not serve. Bring proper coin.
Present Thyself at the Exchange
At any decentralised exchange upon the chain, produce the deed above and swap thine Ether for $COO with conviction. The Duke can smell a hesitant purchase.
Don the Gloves
Reserve a morsel of Ether for gas, confirm, and take thy place in the coop. Thou art one of us now, and in truth always hast been. Should this rug ever require laundering, at least thou knowest the man.